Relationship Health through the 4 R’s
Trish Cleary, MS, LCPC-MFT-ADC, GGP, FAGPA
Throughout our daily lives, interpersonal upsets can occur with spouses, family, in-laws, friends, child-care providers and co-workers. These upsets often happen accidentally with no intention to offend. We may have no idea how these incidents occur - much less how to untangle them.
Most individuals instinctively move away from upsetting situations; many consider the best solution is to avoid them completely; while others choose to minimize upsets in the hope that they will blow over. In my opinion, attention toward resolving stressful circumstances and addressing their associated feelings are valuable for the growth of all relationships.
To support the development of healthy relationships, I have integrated communication skills and human behavior theories into a functional model for understanding and resolving relational upsets.
The functional model is made up of the following five parts:
1. Rupture and Regression
2. Getting Unstuck
3. Emotional Memory – Keys to Awareness
4. Repair and Relationship Regulation
5. Lasting Balance and Harmony
Rupture and Regression
- Rupture is an unexpected incident.
- Regression is an unconscious emotional reaction.
While some reactions are easy to manage, others become aggravated and result in disruptive and out-of-control “stuck” behaviors.
Getting Unstuck
A useful tool for quickly assessing and moving out of disruptive behaviors is an adaptation of the medical “pain scale.”
If patients, while barely lucid after surgery, can accurately assess and communicate their level of pain from zero to ten, it is reasonable that one can assess emotional pain and communicate that to oneself and to another. Having an emotional “pain scale” that identifies the significance and intensity of one’s feelings is a valuable resource.
Getting unstuck can start with a simple expression of where each individual is on the “pain scale.” This awareness can significantly defuse tension and create space for connection.
Emotional Memory - Keys to Awareness
Our uniquely personal reactions carry our key memories - or, in other words, a slice of our emotional DNA. When we pay close attention to our behavior in response to a stressor, it can tell us a lot about our early childhood experiences and our initial perceptions regarding the world of relationships. For example:
- Avoiding closeness for fear of rejection.
- Interpreting suggestions as criticism.
- Assuming fault when bad things happen.
- Feeling fear or rage when overwhelmed.
It can be difficult to determine exactly what is being played out in our own or another’s behaviors because such reactions are often linked to forgotten memories of an earlier time. It can, however, be comforting to realize that what is occurring is not necessarily being directed at one’s self but is a reflection of the other’s distress.
Repair and Relationship Regulation
The task of repair and relationship regulation may seem daunting. If we keep in mind the metaphor about poisons in nature being within arm’s length of their healing antidote, then movement toward relationship repair becomes achievable.
Repair and relationship regulation are proactive internal resources - healing antidotes - literally within arm’s reach of rupture and regression to be accessed for the health of a relationship. The emotional muscles necessary to achieve this end are courage, patience, flexibility, and stamina. As with all muscles, these can be strengthened with practice.
Lasting Balance and Harmony
Fulfilling relationship dynamics require an agreement to show up, to grow together, and to make steady progress through life’s episodes of rupture, regression, repair, and relationship regulation.
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